A while ago, my dear friend Ashley told me about this book and said that it really helped her during her time of infertility. For a while I didn't want to read it because I think I just didn't want to face the fact that my dreams have actually been shattered. I mean that sounds kind of extreme. Well, I guess you can say I'm out of denial and can humbly admit that month after month my dreams continue to shatter. Dealing with infertility is shattering. If you've never experienced it then you can't really understand all the fuss yet when it happens to be you month after month it can be really hard to hope. It can be really hard to stay positive or just relax or stop thinking about it or say with sincerity 'God has a plan', or be happy for friends who are blessed with their own miracle, etc. This book addresses a fundamental question that I am really wrestling with...
What does it mean to hope in God as we continue to live in a world where good dreams shatter and God seems to do nothing about it?
I think often times my mentality is handle the pain! Find some way to keep going in spite of the hurt. Don't think about it. (right) Stay strong (i'm so weak), move the next chapter, make it. Do whatever helps, whether going on vacation, leaning on family, talking to a counselor, or reading books(like this one). Relieve the pain if you can. Live through it if you must. Whatever you do, handle the pain!! ugh....this gets pretty tiring.
So today I found out that our second IUI did not work. I also realized that it has been 2 years this month since Adam and I decided we were ready for children. And thus begins the transformation of our will to His. 2 years ago I never dreamed that we still would not have a child to hold, love and care for. Yet 2 years ago I never imagined how much I would change and how deep my relationship with the Lord would be.
As I was reading "Shattered Dreams" the other day these words rolled off of the page and into my heart. I share them with any of you who have experienced a shattered dream... Listen to what Jesus might be saying to you
"Some of your fondest dreams will shatter, and you will be tempted to lose hope. I will seem to you callous or, worse, weak-unresponsive to your pain. You will wonder if I cannot do anything or simply will not."
"As you struggle with dashed hopes, you will fail, just as my servant Peter did. You will feel discouraged with yourself to the point of self-hatred. And I will seem to withdraw from you and do nothing."
"When all of this comes to pass, My word to you is this: Do not lose hope. A plan is unfolding that you cannot clearly see. If you could see it as I do, you would still hurt, but you would not lose hope. You would gladly remain faithful to me in the middle of the worst suffering. I guarantee you the power to please me, not to have a good time. But pleasing me will bring you great joy."
"In the deepest part of your soul, you long more than anything else to be a part of My plan, to further My kingdom, to know Me and please Me and enjoy Me. I will satisfy that longing. You have the power to represent Me well no matter what happens in your life. That is the hope I give you in this world. Don't lose it."
Fight for Hope!
