Everything Helps me to God...
Adam and I have now completed our 3rd unsuccessful IUI. Previously I had surgery in April, before that we went through a year of waiting after the loss of our little one at 10 weeks. I
often think back to the first time we found out we were pregnant. Many times I long to go back to those 10 weeks. The joy and love I felt for our unborn child was overwhelmingly extraordinary. Yet I know I cannot live in the past, I must live in the now. Yet our now has been heart ache after heart ache.
Last night I finally broke. I sat with my sweet husband and wept. I wept for a while as I allowed myself to feel the pain that I have been trying to 'handle'. What a sweet relief to just let go. In brokenness we sat, we stilled our hearts before our Father and opened our life to say whatever you want for us, not our will but yours be done.
After many tears, Adam handed me a card titled "to our baby." It was a sweet little birthday card remembering that our little one would have been around a year old this week. It amazes me to think how different our life could be with a one year old, yet knowing 'she' is with Jesus comforts us. Inside he had a piece of paper with a little getaway trip for the two of us in the fall. If you know me you can probably guess it, I cried some more. My husband is an amazing man that has been the greatest gift from the Lord. I am so thankful he brought the two of us together and I could not have ever planned how we met and the timing of beginning our life together. He truly melts me!
We have decided to take a much needed break from treatments this month. I cannot tell you how excited I am to not worry about what cycle day I'm on, or visit the doctor's office or stick myself with needles, etc... We also have a couple of trips planned to be with family, which I always enjoy. This weekend we are spending time in Alabama with my parents and next week we are flying out with the Mikkelson gang to Oregon for a wedding/family reunion.
Even though my heart aches I can truly say that all of this has helped me to God. The pain, the hope, the disappointment, the brokenness, the joy, the ups, the downs, etc. I believe more and more each day that He is more than enough for me. We obviously have no idea what the Lord is doing but we both recognize that He is writing our story and He has something for us that is more than we could ever hope or imagine.
Our plan after the break (if we're not pregnant) is to try a couple more IUIs and then possibly pursue IVF.
We covet your prayers.
10 comments:
weeping with you Chandler...and thanks for your sweet message yesterday..I will call ya soon when I have a chance to really talk..love you so much!
Oh, sweet friend. I will be praying that your break is truly a gift and a relaxing time for you both. If you ever have any questions about IVF, please let me know!
Hi Chandler my name is Liz Terrell. Your blog was passed to me through Dana Sheheane. She passed it on to a few of us who unfortunately are riding the same wave. (And seem to be crashing more than not). I have not been able to read your blog until recently. I just wanted you to know that there are people that you don't even know praying for you. Sometimes I say I wouldn't wish this on my enemy and then sometimes I am thankful for how much I will cherish this pregnancy and my child(ren) when it does happen for all of us. Like you, I know that God has a special place in his book for this time in our lives, I am so waiting to understand. Please know that I am praying for you and appreciate your openness and honesty. Jesus is shining through you! I am sure you have friends to vent to but I am right there with you so feel free!
Liz Terrell
terrell.elizabeth@gmail.com
Oh, by the way I am form Mobile, but live in Birmingham!
Hope you have fun visiting your family in Alabama!
You are in my prayers.
Chandler, i'm always praying for y'all and passing your encouraging, amazing and transparent blog onto lots of friends. You have no idea who you are influencing, those without kids and those with. Much love and hope to you! :) Dana
Chandler,
Just thinking about you guys and hopped on your blog. I'm so sorry you and Adam are going through so much, but your faith is such an encouragement to me. You are an incredible person and friend. I'm praying for you and Adam.
Love you and miss you!
Kelly
You are in my prayers. Your words and faith are an inspiration.
I just happened upon your blog (linked from Rachel @ Miraclemama, I think)... and just had to comment - oh how well I know the emotions you are experiencing! God gave us 5 long years of infertility, and it was hard. I knew in my head that God's plan and timing were PERFECT, but it was so hard to tell my heart that sometimes, when I so desperately wanted a little baby to love (and it seemed like everyone around me was so super fertile, having babies and then more babies). It was a hard journey. But God really did use it to strengthen our faith, and we grew closer to Him, and as a couple (as I sense He is doing for you too!).
And now, I think of our season of infertility a blessing (I could not see it at the time though!)... because after 5 yrs of trying/praying/waiting/dr appts/tests, etc, God gave us 2 sweet girls, born 6 months apart (adoption and birth). It's a crazy story, only one God could have written!
Anyway, I just wanted to say I can very much relate to your emotions. Infertility is a very very personal thing - thank you for being so transparent. Keep on trusting and leaning on Jesus! I am going to bookmark your blog - and can't wait to see what good things God has in store for you. :)
And, have a great vacation!!
Zoe
Oh Chandler, I found your blog through Margaret's and I just wanted to tell you that I pray for you often. Jeff and I have been walking down this path for 3 long years, but ultimately 3 years of blessings-the blessings of knowing our God more intimately while we wait. I remember well some of the first nights we "broke." How awesome that we have a Father with whom we can weep. It was very comforting for me to realize that He, too, experienced our sadness-all the while having great things in store for us. Your faith is an inspiration and I know God has great things in store for you and Adam. Love, Ginger
What a sweet and thoughtful husband! I am praying for you and hope you really take this "break" and enjoy every minute of it so that you can be refreshed and ready to continue the most blessed journey!
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